Why You Feel Triggered by Your Parents

I recently did a reel about ‘Why you feel triggered by your parents’ and I received so much engagement in my DM’s I wanted to deep dive into this topic for this amazing online community. 

In this week’s newsletter we will deep dive into the complexity of parent relationships as an adult (including why they trigger you) and how you can navigate spending time with your parents with greater ease, joy and connection.

If you want to Unleash yourself from your old relationship with your parents and you are ready to create a healthy, loving and connected relationship with your parents then join my Unleashed program and rewrite your parent story before the holidays this year. 

So why is there a dual desire to WANT to have a relationship and be around your parents and at the same time NOT want to be around your parents?

The answer… triggers.

WHAT IS A TRIGGER

A trigger is a stimulus that elicits an unconscious reaction. A trigger is what pushes your buttons and pulls you out of a conscious state of being into an unconscious state of being. Children are often in a more reactive unconscious state of being because they do not have a fully developed frontal lobe that allows them to access executive functioning skills such as conflict resolution, time management, and self-regulation. 

Your parents played a critical role in the development of your brain including your habits, patterns and beliefs. As a child your brain was like a sponge, that was absorbing everything that was happening around you while it was growing. Your brain was hardwired based on the functional and dysfunctional skills of your family dynamics. 

Disclaimer: This email is not about judging families, blaming your primary caregivers etc… The intention of this email is to offer insight, awareness and understanding of unconscious family dynamics so you can feel empowered to show up as your conscious self versus defaulting to your childhood self. 

Journal Prompts: (Get curious without judgment)

What was modeled to you as a kid? 

How did your parents handle conflicts?

What sort of emotional regulation was modeled to you? 

How did your parents connect with you? With each other? 

How did your primary caregivers navigate stress? 

The reason your parents can push your buttons more than anyone else is because they activate an unhealed wound of the past. 

When your parents do or say something that they did when you were younger it activates this unhealed wound of the past and instead of being the conscious adult that you are today you become unconscious and revert back to the wounded child that feels unseen, unloved or unsafe.

When you get triggered you go ‘offline’ (become unconscious) and this causes you to ‘react’ versus ‘respond’ to your parents which can create a higher conflict relationship. 

Your reaction can be anger, frustration, blame, resentment, longing, disappointment etc… directed towards your parents because your younger self is crying out for the resolution you never received as a child.  

Once that wound is created, the younger self will unconsciously recreate that same wound over and over and over again looking for resolution and a different ending. 

You can now see why your parents trigger you and make you feel like you are 7 years old all over again. 

Here are some tips (Trigger Plan) that can help you navigate these parent triggers, heal the wounds of the past, and create a better relationship with your parents. 

DISCLAIMER: Triggers can activate wounds and traumas of the past. I recommend using small triggers to start. Be sure to seek help and support from a professional when processing trauma, especially Big T trauma. 

Master your triggers and enjoy this holiday season with your family by joining Unleashed VIP Program.

STEP ONE: IDENTIFY TRIGGERS & REACTION

You can only change that which you are aware of, so the first step is to get curious and cultivate more awareness around your parent triggers and your reaction when triggered. Remember a trigger is a stimulus that elicits an unconscious reaction. When you are with your parents what do they say or do that pushes your buttons? When they push your buttons how do you react?

ORIGIN STORY: Uncover the origin story

Now that you have identified what the trigger is, it is time to go deeper into the origin story and notice what wound is being activated from the past. Remember most wounds are based on feeling unsafe or unloved. 

What is the story behind the trigger? Why does it push your buttons? Ask yourself the 5 W’s (who, what, when, where, why)

 Is the trigger rooted in feeling unloved or feeling unsafe? Why?

What is the story you are unconsciously telling yourself when triggered?  

Now that you understand the origin story behind the trigger, you can change it through healing work, such as Thetahealing®. Choosing a healing technique, like Thetahealing® , can help you heal the past wounds so you can stop reacting to the past and start remaining conscious even when facing old triggers.

Be sure to book an Empower Hour session which is a 60 minute one-on-one session with me so we can deep dive into the origin story of one of the triggers you noticed in this exercise. In this session, you can get clarity on the origin story and heal this wound of the past, healing the trigger and transforming your relationship with your parents. 

STEP TWO: COMPOSURE PHYSICAL

Composure is your ability to regulate thoughts, feelings, and actions in an appropriate way. Physical composure is turning off the stress response and regulating your nervous system. 

How will you physically turn off your stress response so you can get back online as your conscious self? 

Examples: Breathing, taking a walk, self-massage, humming, shaking etc…

STEP THREE: COMPOSURE MINDSET

Composure is your ability to regulate thoughts, feelings, and actions in an appropriate way. Mindset of composure includes acceptance (the moment is what it is), QTIP (quit taking it personally) and personal responsibility (what is in and is not in your control).

ACCEPTANCE: Accept your parents as they are versus how you want them to be. It is so important to remember that you DO NOT have to have a relationship with your parents. It is a choice and if you choose to have a relationship with your parents then you are choosing to accept your parents as they are, differences and all. (Acceptance does not mean you are a door mat with no boundaries and your parents can do whatever they want - No! - I will deep dive into this boundaries and assertiveness with family in another newsletter)  

Acceptance is acknowledging that your parents are doing the best they can with the tools and skills they have and they did the best they could with the tools and skills they had at the time. You DO NOT have to spend with your parents - it’s a choice. However, if you choose to do so then you are choosing to show up with your family as they are versus how you want them to be. Don’t be surprised if your family does exactly what they have done in the past. Before you choose to spend time with your parents, decide for yourself if you can accept them as they are. It is not in alignment to show up with your parents and get resentful and frustrated because they are being who they are. They have the right to be who they are just like you have the right to be who you are. If you can’t accept your parents as they are then perhaps consider not being around them as much or at all. 

Q-TIP: QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY

Not everything is about you. As a sensitive being I would feel everyone else’s stuff and I used to take it all personally. Every look, every energetic shift I felt in another person, I would take personally. I always blamed myself, I either did or didn’t do something I should have that made them react that way. STOP. If someone rolls their eyes at you, or gets short with you, that is on them, not you. Don’t take that energy on, don’t read into it, don’t give it your energy. You are not responsible for the thoughts, feelings and actions of others and you cannot control the thoughts, feelings and actions of others. If someone else wants to roll their eyes, that’s on them not you. Remember who you are and how you want to show up with your parents and don't let them derail you and don’t take every look, comment and sigh personally as a slight. 

RESPONSIBILITY: You are responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions. No one can MAKE you anything without your permission. You are responsible for navigating your triggers in a conscious and healthy way. You are responsible for how you show up with your family and interact with them. Stop blaming others and take your power back to show up the way you want to with your parents. You cannot make your parents act a certain way, so don’t try to control or micro manage them. Recognize what is and is not within your control and act accordingly. 

STEP FOUR: REFRAME

Now that you understand the story behind the trigger, you can change it. Ask yourself, are you truly unsafe or unloved NOW or is it triggering a feeling unsafe or unloved from your past? This is where you get to coach and comfort your inner child that may be feeling unsafe or unloved. You do not need your parents to create the resolution you desire. You can re-parent yourself and provide this younger you with all the love, encouragement, support and safety you need. Reframe using Q-Tip, acceptance, power statement, responsibility and your perception.

STEP FIVE: REHEARSAL

Commit to doing it differently. How will you respond instead of react to the trigger? What you practice grows stronger, so through repetition and consistency you will create a new response to the trigger. Make a plan, write it out and practice (rehearsal).

ENCOURAGED PRACTICE: Reflect what makes your family gatherings successful and unsuccessful with your parents. Make a plan ahead of time what you will do differently to handle the situations that push your buttons. How will you regulate your nervous system so you stay conscious and how will you respond versus react to the situation so you get a desired outcome? This skill is called rehearsal when you practice ahead of time how to navigate challenging situations so you can have a more successful outcome. 

Successful parent relationships are contingent on your ability to navigate triggers and change the unconscious family dynamics of the past. 

Every single person has gifts and wisdom to offer. For me the best part of mastering my triggers with my parents is I get to experience all the positive qualities they have to offer, not just the negative ones.  

Don’t spend the rest of your life being controlled by your triggers. 

Join my Unleashed VIP program or book an Empower Hour so you can learn how to master triggers, heal the parent wound, and enjoy your parents - especially before holiday season. 

Imagine if you do this and you can finally create a new experience with your parents. 

I’ve been there, done this and I am so grateful that I can enjoy all the gifts and wisdom my parents have to offer versus only fixating on their faults and mistakes. 

If you want to create this new relationship dynamic, but you are still feeling stressed or anxious about it then reach out and book a session. Together we can heal the wounds of the past, identify triggers and develop tools and skills that will help you enjoy your family with harmony and presence.