What does self love really look and feel like?

I believe the myth of self-love is that you have it or you don’t. The truth is that self-love is a skill and a practice that is cultivated over time. Imagine you have a self-love muscle and when muscles are not used and strengthened they atrophy, weaken and can even become painful. Regardless of how you feel about yourself at this moment, just know that what you practice grows stronger. You can change the relationship you have with yourself. It simply takes practice, consistency and time. I encourage you to utilize the month of February to truly cultivate a more loving, kind and compassionate relationship with yourself. I am sure this sounds good on paper, but where do you begin? What if you are on the self-loathing side of the self-love spectrum? What then?

Believe me, I know what it likes to go from hating yourself to loving yourself. I definitely did not always feel the way I feel about myself now, especially when I was younger. It wasn’t always easy to continue cultivating self-love, but I promise you it is worth it. I used to look in the mirror and run endless tapes of self-hatred and now I can honestly look in the mirror, say “I love you” to myself, and mean it. I believe the best part of loving yourself is the depth of love you can then experience with others. You can only love others to the depth of which you love yourself. The relationships and connections I have now are the most magical, authentic and loving relationships I have ever experienced. Don’t give up, lean into this practice of self-love and experience the magic and miracles it brings to you and those around you.

I believe the easiest way to start your self-love journey is with the saying ‘treat yourself the way you would a friend or loved one’. Can you imagine what would happen if you gave yourself the same compassion, understanding, patience, love, support and encouragement that you extend to others? Take some time to journal how you would treat a close friend, how would you support and encourage a close friend, how would you talk to a close friend, how would you spend your time with a close friend. Write out a tangible construct of what a true friend is then take action to create this construct for yourself.

“Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be frien

ds with anyone else in the world.”

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

For example, in the past when I would make a mistake I would be my own worst enemy. I would beat myself up endlessly. I would call myself horrible names, berate myself etc… I would never say the things I said to myself to a friend. Now when I make a mistake I do my best to grace myself. First step, try to be patient, calm, compassionate, understanding and forgiving. I use helpful language such as ‘Everyone makes mistakes. It’s okay that you made a mistake. Making a mistake doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means I made an ‘oops’. No one is perfect, everyone will make mistakes and that is okay’.

‘Okay’ does not mean that the mistake that was hurtful or harmful to others is okay. It means that no one is perfect and mistakes are inevitable and the hope for humanity is that we truly learn from our mistakes, make amends and commit to doing things differently as we learn, grow and change. I believe our society has an impossible standard of perfection that is both unrealistic and damaging. We need to shift the focus from never messing up to how we can become better problem solvers to handle mistakes with others when they happen.

Again, how would you treat a close friend? How do you want to be treated by others? What does the golden rule look like, feel like, sound like? Start treating yourself the way you do others. Talk to yourself the way you talk to a cherished friend or loved one. Do small acts of kindness for yourself as you would a cherished loved one. Be encouraging and kind. Take precious care of yourself, just as you would a young child. Have fun! Do things you love, just as you would do things you love with a friend. Give yourself the same permission.

The more you write out your vision of what you want the relationship with yourself to look like the more you start to rewire your brain to create new programs, patterns and behaviors that support loving yourself. Start small and take one step at a time, one day at a time, deepening the love and connection you have with yourself. Self-love is a practice, a skill that is strengthened overtime. Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can truly fall in love with yourself. Allow the miracles and magic of self-love into your life. February can be this amazing opportunity for you to cultivate the relationship you have always wanted to have with yourself.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” -Buddha